Figuring out parents even when making not so major life decisions

This whole parent-daughter relationship somehow used to seem to come a whole lot easier when i wasn't in my mid-twenties. Maybe that is because I have somehow blocked out those awkward middle school years.
As I get older I have started to need something different from my parents than I think I really needed before. Of course there are times when I look to them for advice and counsel, but a majority of the time I would prefer to see them as those people that helped me immensely as i was growing up and are still there for me if I should need them. Still there for me "if" I should need them is the tough part. Who doesn't want to be needed? The thing is, is that I am 24 and feel pretty ready to make my own life choices whether I like it or not. The funny part is that even some of those choices that seem minor to me at the time seem HUGE to my parents eyes. Perhaps they see some of my choices as life-altering and fear that I am gradually fucking up everything in my future while I am contentedly floating along trying to live in the moment and feeling pretty good about it.
I guess I'm not really sure who is right in this picture. I like to think that I am because it is my life and I am free to succeed or fuck it up as I choose (even though I don't believe I'm really doing that bad of a job). The mistakes, the craziness, the joy, the struggles, it is all what we learn from. God forbid the person that doesn't ever take a chance on anything. What a boring life that would be. That would truly be someone who makes what I would define as poor decisions.
We only live once. I've come to the decision that I want to enjoy everyone and everything in my life for who or what they are. I don't want to pass judgment on anyone. There are some amazing sorority girls out there, some lawyers who work for good, some successful people that are unhappy. There is no formula for what is good and what is bad, for what works and what doesn't. I'm going to play this game called life and take some chances along the way. If I fuck up I can probably still come out okay on the other side. And if I fuck up at least I can say I was the one who made that decision cause it's my life and I'm okay with that.

The Difficult Summer (with some wonderful things mixed in)

I started the summer feeling like it was a pretty normal and enjoyable summer. I acted in Hello Dolly and directed the Jungle Book for Eugene's Mad Duckling Children's theatre. I enjoyed some time in Portland full of bike rides, zoo-visits, swimming, and bars despite the 2 bee stings and bike crash. I headed to Montana with my parents determined not to let any parts of the summer that might be hard let me down.
After enjoying some great river floats and fly fishing, huckleberry picking, great food, and conversation it began... the summer I think I might not want to remember.
While still in Montana my boyfriend (who I have loved and stood up for in all the hard times) gives up on us... over the phone. I try not to but start crying in front of my parents at the breakfast table before we leave. I try to look on the bright side knowing that eventually I will be fine and get over it but the car ride back leaves me feeling melancholy.
After we got back to Spokane the worst thing of all happened. We received a phone call from a friend of our dear friend who was awaiting a lung transplant. People had been trying to call her throughout the day with no response. My family decided that the best idea was to go and head up to her house to check it out, finding out on the way that 911 had also been called and were on their way as well. I know all of us were going through the possibilities in our head about what we might find but the actuality of what we found somehow seemed so much worse and unreal. I walked into the room with my parents and saw her lying there so peaceful but now, without any breath left in her. Without any life. I looked at her in disbelief that this strong woman could somehow be gone and thought to myself "What am I going to tell my friend?" My dear friend who is her daughter had lost her mother and I was the one there to see what had happened first. What could I say or do? I had to focus on feeling like I was there in the place of my friend since there was no way she could be there at that time. And I had to focus on being there for my family.
So that is what I did. I devoted the rest of my summer to being there for my family. I tried to be the best daughter that I could be in whatever way I knew how while still being true to myself. I tried not to be selfish and to think about what I could give. I tried to be there for my friend even though she didn't always seem like she wanted to talk. I tried to be there for my mother when she seemed to really want to talk about things even if I didn't.
Writing this entry really does make me feel like this blog is my psychiatrist. Well titled I suppose.
The good news is that after I moved past these two especially difficult weeks, I was able to get away with my mom to London and rekindle my passion for theatre and culture with plays and museums. After that I was able to rediscover my love for nature and the outdoors with a trip with my father flyfishing on the McKenzie River.
So here I am in Eugene, having cast the show I am directing this term and feeling pretty good about where I am headed. Sometimes where I am headed is the unknown but I am okay with that too. Here I am in Eugene, Oregon trying to surround myself with people and things that inspire me and make me feel good about myself. I think I'm doing pretty good so far. Mostly, what I've learned after this terrible summer is how truly lucky I am. How strange and how wonderful.

Saying Hello and Goodbye to Dolly: The Pros and Cons of Community Theatre

A truly trying experience as of late has been my ensemble appearance in Lane Community College's summer musical Hello, Dolly! The show is a mesh of both experienced theatre people from schools and the community, but thrown into the mix are also a great deal of people that are really much more musicians than actors.
Some thing I've discovered about musicians: There is a right and wrong way to do things in their mind. Flexibility therefore is an issue and adding character... sometimes difficult because it might mess with the completely accurate way to sing.
All of this makes me appreciate theatre. There is no "wrong" way to interpret a character as each actor might go about it differently. We all have different methods and different "notes" will be hit. Music somehow seems to be laid out much more cut and dry. Who knew?



Some things that make me realize why I am in the profession of theatre:

It allows for artistic creation
There is usually an end product in which to see the result of your work
It involves collaboration with other artists
It makes people think
It makes me think
It gives me an outlet of sorts
It makes me happy
When I watch Slings and Arrows I usually think, "Right on! That is totally how I feel"
Because art is dying and I think that is wrong and am willing to fight that fight

Killing a helpless woodland creature and maiming my car and life in the process

Well, here it is folks, guess what I did tonight? After being pretty strapped for time and stressed out these past two days I saw the light ahead. I saw time to start getting future homework done, I saw opportunities to relax and hang out even if only for a little while, and then at the end of my 6:30am-9:30pm day I was driving my beautiful blue dream-car Subaru Forester home when bam.... it hit me, or more like I hit it; a deer. Yup, I always prided myself in living out in the woods and never having hit one and then today it happened. I had a complete stranger in my car to top it off (who I was giving a ride home from rehearsal). So now I am upset about the deer, upset about my maimed car which I will soon lose to repairs, upset about the loss of my free time, and upset about the loss of some sort of sense of stability for the moment.
Of course I can't really seem to think about homework anymore tonight. So, I think I might take a bath (my relaxant) and do some crossword puzzles while I try to sleep and not dream about dying deer.
God, I have such a guilty conscience right now. I keep going back and forth about whether to feel sorry for myself for adding the stress to an already packed life and feeling sorry for the deer which hobbled off into the woods. The deer, me, the deer, my car, the deer, me.

The Chocolate Chip Banana Pancake Party

Being Lucky yesterday morning was alright but I have to say pretty exhausting. I have a nasty bruise and scratch in the middle of my chest now too from falling on top of a suitcase. Whoops.
I was so exhausted after panting, carrying suitcases, and going on a rant onstage that I took an amazingly deep nap when I got home. And when I woke up from this amazing deep nap I thought to myself that what I really wanted more than anything for dinner was chocolate chip banana pancakes. So I got my friend Alex who was having kind of a bad day in on it too because chocolate chip banana pancakes can make anybody's day better. Then I realized, why not invite all my friends? So with the help of facebook and my phone I called, texted, and messaged people until it was a real working party at my house. Then we all decided that you can't really have a chocolate chip banana pancake party at night without some wine. So before I know it we have all drained at least 6 bottles of wine, eaten s'mores outside in my fireplace for dessert, climbed up onto my roof, sang songs around the fire, rocked out in my kitchen, played Apples to Apples, and pretty much just had an all around amazing night. So, the chocolate chip banana pancake party lasted from 5:30 to 1:00 am or so. Maybe later. I think it was the best last minute party I have ever been to. Also made me pretty excited about the summer because I was looking around and realizing that pretty much everyone at my house last night is going to be around this summer as well. Good times to come. And for sure, more pancakes.

Becoming "Lucky"

So many crazy things happening in my life lately. It's been good. Feel like I have learned and grown a lot. This is what the twenties and new experiences are all about right? This morning I am going to be doing a scene in front of a professor from Waiting for Godot by Samuel Beckett. If you don't know it, it is a very crazy existential play mostly about people waiting for something (perhaps God). I play this very random character in it called "Lucky" who is ordered around by another person all the time and carries lots of bags. I think the prof gave me the role in an attempt to try and embarrass/challenge me but I think mostly it has just been a really difficult role for me to come into.
I'm gonna go in today and slobber on stage, mess up my hair, look like an idiot, and go on a crazy rant. Lord knows how all of this will go over. I'll have to get back to you on this one.

Beautiful People

I just had a bum tell me I was beautiful. He was actually asking for money and when I showed him that literally all I had on me was a book and my keys he simply told me that I was beautiful. Funny how that word can mean so much to me even coming from a complete stranger. He will never know how much I needed to hear that.
It's funny how we can't really choose who sees our beauty. We've all got an incredible amount inside of us. But there are only certain people in our lives that ever take to time to see us in our full beauty. Makes me want to take the time to really get to know some of my friends better, to try and find the beauty in everyone.
We did this exercise in my acting class during the first few days in which people got up and performed monologues and the Professor talked about how amazing it was to watch everyone and how it was so neat to see how beautiful people really are. It was so true. Everytime someone was up there you couldn't resist but think, "wow, look at how beautiful he/she is".
This is a shout out to Alexis, who said she read my blog. She is more beautiful than I think she knows too. She lets me use the bathroom at her house right now. That, for me right now, is true beauty.

My Clogged Toilet

Well, my plumbing happened to go out the weekend that my parents were here visiting. Yeah, it went out on Friday and of course no one could fix it over the weekend so I patiently waited until Monday (today) for someone to fix it only to come home to a post-it note on my door informing me that the plumbing blockage is now a city issue and it is unknown when exactly it will be fixed. I hope the city of Eugene pulls through on this one. It's starting to not be as fun to take random adventures to businesses just to use their toilet.
Tonight I made bug-juice chicken wings to share with Jackie and Jef. That was always a dish that I loved whenever my mom made it. I think I succeeded alright too as they were pretty tasty.
As much as I try to keeo myself occupied and do things for myself so that I forget to think about my old boyfriend he still sneaks into my mind fairly often. I find that the times I most often notice myself thinking of him are the first thing in the morning when I wake up and also (unfortunately) sometimes when I am onstage (from which I have to pull myself out and try to bring myself back into the play as quickly as possible. I will miss the play quite a bit after it is over. Mostly for the social aspects of it. I like being able to see and check up with everyone in it as often as I get to now. Will have to make more of an effort to do that later on.
Being single has felt strange so far. Not really much different than before on that day to day basis because really, I was pretty much on my own in Eugene anyways, but it is strange in that way that I don't have a friend to confide in all of the time and someone who seems genuinely interested in my life and wants to see me.
I am finding my joy in some of the simple things in life right now. Growing seeds, listening to music, watching a good movie, playing a game, eating good food, feeding my fish. Too bad my fish seems to be on the lurch right now too. Alas, cruel world. I will conquer you yet... it will just take me some time.

Wild (and Crazy) Oats

When I have all of my Quaker clothes on including the jacket and huge bonnet, I call it my elephant outfit. It helps when I sway back and forth lazily with my arms dangling. There was a review of Wild Oats today in the Register Guard that had unappealing title ("Wild Oats not as wildly funny as it could be") and then proceeded to mostly give a plot summary of the show. Here is the only thing it said about me: "Meredith Ott is sweet, serious, and intelligent as Lady Amaranth". Not too bad. Tomorrow morning we have a really early show for high schoolers. I'm not sure yet how they will react to it. I think the show is certainly entertaining no matter what age you are so hopefully that will hold true and nothing will be too entirely far over their heads. The costumes and set are beautiful and, I would think, very fun to look at. This website has pictures should anyone be interested. This guy also took my little headshot and for as few pictures as he took of me, I think it turned out pretty well. http://www.cliffcoles.comAs far as the rest of my life, I feel like I am truckin along and just trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other right now. I did get a letter today telling me my Graduate Teaching assignments for next year. That was exciting and great news because not only is my tuition waived for all of next year, but I actually will be making just over $700 per months and get benefits. Hell yeah, it's about time. Very good news indeed.

So, I didn't do so well on that bracket thing. Yikes. Guess I will now owe Emma and Megan drinks. Thank goodness for friends.
Just coming out of a relationship, I think I have never felt so lonely. I don't really have all that many close friends here in Eugene and my family is a ways away as well. This has been a really rough week for me getting ready to put on a show and having lots of rehearsal hours, not having anyone really come to see me at opening night, and my back has felt tweaked due to wearing the corset. I might look into getting a professional massage. There is a spot in the middle of it that wont stop hurting. Has made it hard to sleep lately as I can't seem to get comfortable.
Well, enough complaining. Maybe not... this year has been fucking hard. The worst part is that sometimes it seems like life is just getting harder and harder. I suppose there are lots of great challenges out there for me right now, which is good. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I need to figure out a way to start celebrating my life more. I think it will be good for me to take a year off after grad school and find something that I really enjoy doing, and go to a place I really enjoy being.
A friend asked me today what it is that I want to do with my life. The truth is, I think, that I really don't know yet. Guess I'm still searching for some direction and hoping that it will come to me. Maybe I will take a year off to work at a restaurant and do theatre. Maybe then I will go and get my teaching certificate so I can try teaching at a high school. Maybe I will join the Peace Corps and go far away. Maybe I will go home.
Who knows. Who knows. Just keep floating on. That's all I know to do.

Everyone is staring to take off for their respective spring breaks. Now that finals are over and I am finally free to hang out, so many people are leaving and I now seem to be attempting to occupy myself. One thing that'll give me something to worry about is March Madness. I entered a pool with my good old housemates from the days of yore Emma and Megan. I'm not really sure that anything is at stake but our pride. So far, my bracket is looking pretty good, although I admit that I haven't predicted any upsets for this initial round.
Other than that I will be memorizing lines, playing some poker, and cozying up with the final Harry Potter.
I tried to post my picks for the NCAA bracket but couldn't get it to turn the right way. Hmm.

Thank goodness for friends and a good steak

MARINATED GRILLED FLANK STEAK

Juice of 1 lemon 1/2 c. soy sauce 1/4 c. dry red wine 3 tbsp. vegetable oil 2 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce lg. clove garlic, sliced Pepper to taste Green onion or chives, chopped Celery seed, optional 1-1 1/2 lb. flank steak Mix all ingredients in pan in which meat is to be marinated. Marinate 2-12 hours in refrigerator, turning occasionally. Grill. Slice meat diagonal across the grain and serve. So easy and good!

I had really been craving a home cooked meal lately not to mention red meat which I rarely have without my parents around. Tonight Jackie and Jef were here and we had decided to do dinner and I suggested I could barbecue a steak on my new grill. I can't say that I have ever operated a barbecue much in my life. I feel like usually there is some man around that wants to take over so i let them be the responsible one, but tonight it was me and I actually had to read the instructions about how to light the charcoal. It kept going out too. I'd pour lighter fluid on and have it flaming then it would just sputter out. Finally we figured out that if you blow on it the charcoals can catch each other on fire easier and that resulted in all of us squatting, frog-style and blowing on the flames for a good ten minutes. Good times.
The meal was delicious, the company, delightful, the desert delightful. Couldn't ask for more than a good dinner with friends. Not to mention we got quite a bit of studying done before the meal. GO us! I think that making the most of finals week is about all you can do to keep sane and be able to have the motivation to finish all of those papers.

St Patrick

He was a missionary in Ireland, huh? Interesting. I sorta wish there was some exciting story about how he was a martyr or did something cool. Oh well. Any excuse to celebrate.
I have been working on and off on my paper and other work today and the rest of the time has been spent basically pampering myself. I somehow feel like the more I pamper myself, the more i get done and more efficiently. If I take time to take a bath, check my e-mail, look at pictures and such then I can get myself to pound out a page of my paper in only a matter of minutes. But if I were to sit here staring at my computer screen that page would take me a good hour. So, personally, right now, I plan to err on the side of pampering.
As finals week approaches and I still have a few things to finish up, I am looking forward to having next week over and being able to read some Harry Potter (I am on the final book) so that I can really just get in some pleasure reading and movie watching. I am planning to try out my new barbecue tomorrow to cook some steaks. We'll see how that turns out. I better go to the grocery store tomorrow morning and start marinating them.
I will be sad when Jef and especially Jackie leave to go and have their spring breaks. I know i agreed to do this show and be here over spring break but I am realizing that it will be a strange and hard feeling to be left behind by so many people. The cast keeps talking about having lots of parties but there are many more hours of the day where I might feel a bit lonely especially since it looks like it might snow and I will be stuck inside. Yuck. I am ready for the nice weather again. I had to bring my seeds that I planted inside for fear that it might frost over tonight.
As for St Patrick's day, thanks to the pope for moving the celebration to today so that I can study on Monday night.

Let the Sunshine In

Sometimes a song hits me just right. Tonight that song was the Decemberists "Of Angels and Angles". That's Noah's favorite band and always reminds me of him. Most of their songs tell these fantastical stories and yet this one is so simple and beautiful.
I got a lot done today. Maybe not the kinds of things I should have gotten done like papers and research and such, but I got a lot done outside. And why not, it made 64 degrees here in Eugene today. Apparently I thought that this called for a trip to Fred Meyers to buy a barbecue, but instead of just buying that I also bought a good broom and some seeds. So when I got home today (after also being suckered into buying a pack of Girl Scout cookies) I swept off my whole outdoor patio, bagged the leaves, and potted two packs of seeds which will hopefully turn into basil and oregano. It's amazing to me how motivating the nice weather can be. I look forward to not having as much school work so I can really just give in to my desire to be outside all of the time.
I also bought some more Java Logs today. They are a truly fascinating invention as well. A log made from recycled coffee grounds that lasts a few hours in the fireplace, is good for the environment, and burns incredibly well. I am impressed. Good work Java Log.
Can't wait to try out my new charcoal Weber grill next. I already succeeded in putting it together (before I planted the seeds and swept off the porch) now let's hope I can figure out how to use it.


"Of Angels And Angles"
-The Decemberists

There are angels in your angles
There's a low moon caught in your tangles
There's a ticking at the sill
There's a purr of a pigeon to break the still of day

As on we go drowning
Down we go away
And darling, we go a-drowning
Down we go away
Away

There's a tough word on your crossword
There's a bed bug nipping a finger
There's a swallow, there's a calm
Here's a hand to lay on your open palm today

As on we go drowning
Down we go away
And darling, we go a-drowning
Down we go away
Away

There are angels in your angles
There's a low moon caught in your tangles

Moving away from a show, and into another.

Well, I think that Tony really pulled through for me. I've gotten some great responses to the show. Seems like it really made people think about it and was interesting to watch. I was very happy that a lot of the humor in it came out. It's funny, I think I just had this thing towards the end (when I started to get a little nervous about the show going up) and I just decided not to care what anyone else thought, including the faculty. Tomorrow I'm going to start "making the rounds" for feedback from the faculty but from the response I've gotten so far, people have reacted in a very positive way to the show. I was so ready to be on the defense and brush off any harsh comments or lack of any comments at all and now I feel overwhelmed in a sense by all of the good things I've heard. It was nice...reaffirming, to be told things that make me think, "Looks like I'm doing the right thing", "Looks like maybe theatre is the place for me to be after all". It's not that I doubted theatre itself but I think we all have doubts sometimes about where we are and our paths and it always good to have someone say something to you that makes you feel like you took the right turn somewhere down the road.
Now it is onto rehearsals for Wild Oats for me. It will feel a bit strange to drop being a director and to move into the role of acting again. I'm excited to be the one on stage again. Sometimes it is hard to just sit in the seats because I love to be up there doing it too, but every time I have been in the director's seat it has still been so incredibly fulfilling in a completely different way.

Tony Kushner, I Salute You

Dear Tony Kushner,
Thank you for making my job as a director so easy. You have just put all of these beautiful words on the page so that I feel like all the actors truly need to do is say them. How could anyone really go wrong by saying all of those, beautiful words, all of those true thoughts, all of those insights into the human experience?
I tried to think of a sentence tonight that sums up Terminating and I couldn't really think of one because it covers so much of the human experience. There is so much emotion, intellect, self loaded into it that I wonder how I could possibly unpack it into one sentence.
"A play about the human condition", "a play about everything you have ever struggled with", "a play about life", "a play about us, them, and everyone in between".
Tony, I hope that I did you at least an ounce of justice in my directing job. I hope that if you were in the audience tomorrow night, that you could at least look at me and smile and maybe tell your friends over some pie later that night that you thought it was ok.
I hope that I get to work with you again someday, Tony, because, truth be told, there were some hard times, confusing times, enlightening times, frustrating times, but over all I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

That Concert by Myself

So, I bought a ticket to Death Cab for Cutie when they are in Eugene on April 19th. I will have to head over right after I perform my show but I decided that I was just talking about how being alone shouldn't hold me back so I went ahead and bought the ticket. The truth of the matter is that I secretly hope I will run into people I know at the show so that even if I "go" alone I wont be alone during it. I'm sure I will enjoy it either way.
I wish sometimes that I was more of a reason for people to visit Eugene. None of my friends from before I moved have visited me here yet. Yes, I know there isn't much going on in this town but I am here! I like boardgames and wine, I like going out for a beer and some darts, shouldn't I be enough? I have felt lately like I have either been this shuttle for other people or for myself to visit other people. I wish that someone else was a shuttle to see me for once. That would make all of my shuttling more worthwhile. Or something.
I really don't have much to complain about. I think it is just that since I have decided to be here over the summer I really don't want to feel stuck here. I want to feel like Eugene is an enjoyable place to be and to visit. I don't want to shuttle back and forth to get away. I want to be present in my town and in my life.

Directing a Tony Kushner

Directing this show has been very fascinating for me. It's quite the job to direct something that you may never know quite what it means. Kushner is truly an intriguing and smart writer. There is so much buried in the text that it can be hard to get it all out on stage, get people to understand it, and make it look interesting. It's a strong show. I think we've got a hold on it. My cast seems nervous a bit but also really ready to get it on stage and in front of an audience. I'm interested to see how people will react to it.
I keep seeing people change their profile picture or put up new pictures on Facebook and it always makes me think, why do I have no new pictures? I'm sure that it's mostly because I am not good about carrying my camera around. Maybe I haven't done anything fun or crazy enough to really feel the need to document on film. I would like to think it's because I am living in the moment rather than hassling with a camera although I'm not sure that is entirely true.
Last night I had a homework nightmare. This huge, final essay was due right after the weekend in my dream and I hadn't even started the research on it. I woke up thinking I should get my shit together and start that essay so I don't stress about it but also relieved that I have more time.
This week should be a pretty crazy one for me. The show I'm directing is going through tech and dress all of this week and then performing Thursday, Friday and Saturday and my parents are coming to see it on Friday through Sunday. I'm excited they are coming. My fridge looks pretty depressing lately. I still need to go to the store to tide myself over until then. They haven't been here since September too when I didn't know all that much about Eugene. Now that I am more of an experienced Eugenite, I will hopefully be able to show them more fun places to go and whatnot.

Head On

I think that most of the ants in my house are gone. Lately, though, I have been haunted by dreams of large spiders and wolves. I wish i still had my dream book around. As cheesy as it may be, I have an unending fascination with things like zodiac signs and dreams. I don't deny that half the time whatever a book tells you about them is probably not totally true but I think there is a bit of a science to it. There are so many things in this world and beyond that we humans will never understand so who am I to doubt or criticize?
The wolves in my last dream, I think came from this picture I saw in the New York Times about this new art exhibit in the Guggenheim entitled "Head On". It's by this Chinese artist who sculpted/taxidermied a slew of wolves to look like they are running across the ceiling and them slamming into a plexiglass wall. I found the idea pretty intriguing. Clearly; it haunted me enough to make an appearance in my dream.

Oh, to be twenty-something...

Sometimes I realize that I am balancing on this point that is Grad School and that really at any moment I could fall or step off that point. Problem is I don't really know where to step. Lots of things in my life and especially in my future seem unsure. This fact makes me cling to the point a bit though. It makes me want to enjoy that bit of earth that I have right now while it is still under me.
I hope that I never stop getting to know myself and growing as a person. I know that I certainly haven't fully figured myself out yet. There's always a few things that I know for sure and a lot of things that I don't.
I think I want to start doing things on my own some more. I've never been to a movie by myself. Why not go sometime? I brought my homework and some crosswords to a bar last night and drank one beer while sitting in a booth and listening to a sixty year old man play Bob Dylan and Led Zeppelin. I really enjoyed that. I miss seeing live music. Maybe I will find a good concert to go to.

BEWARE Ants!

So, my show has been recast and is going swimmingly and my boyfriend just visited and got a job in Portland for the summer so is moving there from San Francisco in June. What else could a girl want?
I spent some time watercoloring tonight. No reason why. Just because I felt like it. It really was very soothing. I think my biggest problem is that I am not always patient enough to let the paint dry before I add more onto it.
Fixed my bike tire today too which had gone flat for the second time. Now if only I could get rid of the ants in my kitchen completely. Just call me the Hitler of the ant world. I hate any ants that are small, crawling around, and in my kitchen!

Bummer

So, I have to recast one of the roles in the show I am directing right now as one of the guys iis now going to be gone for one of the performance dates. It had been on my mind as a possibility but nothing I really wanted to do as the show looked fine. I have felt slightly worried about being a bit behind in rehearsals but, nonetheless, I feel like I am also surprisingly not that stressed about it. My cast seemed to agree that it was the best move and I followed a lead that may or may not work out to replace him. I'm definitely crossing my fingers on that one. I would love to be able to really work the show on Monday. let's hope that my powers of persuasion are not too poor. Persuasive but not pushy was what I was aiming for.
Please, God, find me a responsible guy to play a deranged man for just this one month. I'll try to be the best little director anyone could ever ask for.

Trips

So nice to get away for the weekend. I just went down to San Francisco for less than 4 days and really didn't do all that much but it was nonetheless, very refreshing to get out of town for a bit. I think, in addition to getting to see a very important someone, that the money is also well spent in order to keep me sane.
About San Francisco... my relationship with that city waivers. I started out not liking it very much, maybe because it was taking my love away from me. Then it grew on me. I liked the excitement, the difference from Eugene and other cities I have known. I liked the sort of rush and independence it made me feel I had. Sometimes though, I look at the amazing city on the bay and then I fly back to Eugene and am glad to be home. Maybe it is the Northwest in me. That no matter how nice and sunny it is where I go and whatever feeling it gives me, the feeling I really enjoy is that of coming back to the place where the mountains, the trees, the sea, and the lakes all meet up.
If someone told me to move to San Francisco right now and there was a good reason then I might, but I don't think I would intend to stay there for very long. I like it. But I guess my trips there have led me to the catharsis of the Northwest as my real home.

My Relaxants

You know what is like a drug... baths. Whenever I am feeling lousy I go home and get in a nice hot bath. Somehow, in the warm smellgood tub I feel closed off from the rest of the world and I can just shut out anything else I was feeling before. You know what else is like a drug... chocolate milk. I'm going to mix me up some chocolate milk. Ahhh.

In regards to the last post...

It seems that I totally took my professor's comment the wrong way although several students in the hall have said things to me and seemed to have the same initial impression. I at least feel better now after several conversations over e-mail to clear things up.
Apparently the comment came out of a discussion not directed towards me at all but about all of the grads in our seminar class and not wanting us to "hit a wall" in which we began to hate academia. So, I guess I got on the defensive a little prematurely. I try not to get offended too easily but for some reason this one thing really ate at me all day.
I think what I need is a good trip out of town for a few days to refresh. Sometimes I get so imbeded in this whole grad school business that I bury myself in trying to do everything that I think is right and I forget to breathe.

To my shrink:

Wow. This day has been ridiculous. This morning one of my professors told me right before class that she heard I "hated academia" and that "it was the last place I wanted to be". This comment was really stunning and confusing to me as I feel that I have never said that before in my life. She told me she got it through the grapevine which then scared the shit out of me as my first thought was, "So, you're telling me that all of the faculty probably thinks this about me too?" I had felt so solid in my program until this comment and then I just wanted to burst into tears in that moment of total misunderstanding.
I don't really fully know how to respond to this. I sent an e-mail to her and to the head of the department explaining the situation. She probably didn't even know how much the comment would affect me. What really hurt, is that it seemed like she had this assumption that I don't really work hard at things. That thought also terrified me because I feel like I already give so much of my life to school and studying that I'm not sure how much more effort I would be able to muster without losing it.
I am supposed to direct tonight which at first I thought I would not be able to do but now I really think I just need something to take my mind off of this. I know, I know...I shouldn't let it get to me and professors aren't the end all be all but for my small two year world that is my master's program, they will dictate quite a bit of my life. I feel like some girl everyone is calling a slut when I never even slept with anybody. Okay, maybe a bad analogy. I feel accused. I feel gossiped about. I feel judged. Most of all, I feel analyzed in a way that I am not okay with.
I can't believe this one little comment. This morning I was feeling great about my life and the program and then, BAM!

3 Day Weekend

This MLK weekend feels just like any other to me. I was hoping for a fun adventure but instead am feeling a little trapped in Eugene. The good news is that it will definitely help me focus to get some homework done and also some research for the play I am directing. Actually since I am going out of town next weekend it's probably for the best.
I have been reduced (by the lack of television and want just to veg on the couch for a few hours) to watching Bring It On. What a film. I can't believe there are no Academy Awards for the Best Cheer routine in a film or Best Physical stunt or backbend.
Despite some of the horrendous acting in the film right now I have a deep appreciation for the physicality. I have been taking a Physical Comedy class this quarter and it has been kicking my butt a bit. My core muscles, I'm talking my upper abs, have been so incredibly sore that I feel most comfortable in the fetal position. Most of the things we have to do in class I can manage to accomplish ok. A lot of it is rhythm and group exercises and also some balance stuff like headstands and tripods but yesterday we had to attempt to walk ourselves down the wall into a backbend. Halfway down the wall I started to feel a little bit like there wasn't anything to hold onto to keep myself up and I may have fallen backwards right onto my head. Yup... luckily my partner at the time, Sarah, is amazing and brought me back up as if from a dip. Bet that looked pretty smooth. I'm so cool, I'm so cool.

Day 1- Mr. Postman Brings a Letter (or 5) for Me

Today has been a good day. You know when you have those days where you wake up and feel somehow refreshed about the world, things go wrong, but nothing seems to bother you. It was a good day.
I felt a lot of love through the mail today. Getting mail is practically one of my favorite things in the world. I got mail that I didn't even expect from several people. My parents also gave me a subscription to the Sunday New York Times which is pretty exciting. Hooray for crosswords and theatre news.
I've also felt really happy about where I am lately. Things are coming together with my personal and professional life. I've had this feeling lately that I am on the right track and that those I want to be in my life, on my track, are on it with me. I'm excited to be directing again now and acting again soon. Theatre seems to always give me these wonderful endorphines that make me feel positive about life. I am addicted. Addicted to theatre. Bring on the drug.

My 1st Blog

That title sounds like it belongs in a Baby Book. Yikes.
Well, I am not much of a journal person. I kept a good one for about 5 months a year or so ago but then it fell by the wayside.
I am in the beginning of my second quarter at the University of Oregon in Eugene now. Eugene is growing on me. I remember when we first looked at houses here and even when I first moved here it still felt so foreign to me and I felt out of place in it. It's the first time I have ever felt like that in a city before. I feel like I had adjusted well to both Tacoma and Seattle well. Eugene struck me as entirely unfamiliar and it was hard moving to it without knowing a single soul in the town.
This quarter has gotten off to a better start, I think because I am now feeling more comfortable, involved, and not entirely alone. Thank God for the great group of grad students that entered the program with me this year. They are all exceedingly nice and it is so nice to know that we are all really in the same boat.
Well, I think for now that is a good start to my blogging life. More to come. As my dad always writes in postcards, "To be continued..."