Wow. This day has been ridiculous. This morning one of my professors told me right before class that she heard I "hated academia" and that "it was the last place I wanted to be". This comment was really stunning and confusing to me as I feel that I have never said that before in my life. She told me she got it through the grapevine which then scared the shit out of me as my first thought was, "So, you're telling me that all of the faculty probably thinks this about me too?" I had felt so solid in my program until this comment and then I just wanted to burst into tears in that moment of total misunderstanding.
I don't really fully know how to respond to this. I sent an e-mail to her and to the head of the department explaining the situation. She probably didn't even know how much the comment would affect me. What really hurt, is that it seemed like she had this assumption that I don't really work hard at things. That thought also terrified me because I feel like I already give so much of my life to school and studying that I'm not sure how much more effort I would be able to muster without losing it.
I am supposed to direct tonight which at first I thought I would not be able to do but now I really think I just need something to take my mind off of this. I know, I know...I shouldn't let it get to me and professors aren't the end all be all but for my small two year world that is my master's program, they will dictate quite a bit of my life. I feel like some girl everyone is calling a slut when I never even slept with anybody. Okay, maybe a bad analogy. I feel accused. I feel gossiped about. I feel judged. Most of all, I feel analyzed in a way that I am not okay with.
I can't believe this one little comment. This morning I was feeling great about my life and the program and then, BAM!
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