The Spirit of Giving: and what that looks like at the US Post Office

Never go to the Post Office a week before Christmas. The lines look like this:

I had one of the more annoying postal experiences I've ever had the other day when I ended up standing in front of two women mailing packages in a long line of people who made it in half an hour before the post office closed at 5pm. 

The women commented constantly about the gluttony and selfishness of Christmas and how they could not understand why anyone needed any of the stuff in there. They talked about how they were better people than anyone because they choose to be kind and give things to the poor or homeless people (like poems they wrote). They criticized a teenage girl with a "My Heart Belongs to Him" shirt asking whether she meant the pope. When she responded that she just got it with her boyfriend they reminded her that "him's come and go but there's one Him that will always stick around". 

Yuck. I think part of being kind and courteous to other people is not bombarding them with your views. I think that the nicest thing that you could do in a post office is assume that about everyone there has good intentions. I was feeling quite a bit of Christmas spirit until I spent 45 uncomfortable minutes at the Vancouver Post Office. I decided that if I need to send any more packages that they can certainly wait until after Christmas. 

Christmas Time and Travel

Christmas time is largely about relaxing and enjoying loved family and friends. Seems every year there is a bit of a mad dash to purchase presents for everybody and get them wrapped, try to please everybody's wishes for what the holiday should look like, and get things done but overall the spirit of it all is that we get to spend quality time together. It's often that I get sick over the Christmas break. I think my body is finally able to take a break so it crashes a bit.

This year I get to relax quite a bit and will spend most of my holiday break in Spokane with my parents. What I wish, is that I could afford the time and money to take my own little trip wherever I want sometime. Lately, all of my travelling is usually to satisfy someone else's wishes about where they want to go, who is getting married, etc.

Maybe my Christmas wish this year is that in the coming year, I will get the opportunity again to travel somewhere I really want to go and enjoy a relaxing vacation and interesting experience outside of America. Maybe that ought to be my New Year's resolution. To go somewhere new and exciting to take a real vacation.

Meeting the Parents

I have never been so relaxed about bringing a guy to meet my parents in my life. After only dating for 2 months, I am going to bring my boyfriend down to Thanksgiving in Arizona to celebrate with just my parents and me. They will all be meeting each other for the first time ever.

But I think that we're all in a good place. I'm ready for love and truly believe I've found it in an excellent partner, I think my boyfriend fully believes in us and is confident in where the relationship is headed, and I think my parents are just happy for me that I've finally found someone who cherishes me so much and makes me feel so supported and secure.

In fact, I think the 4 days that we are together are going to go really well. In my ideal world, my parents will love him as much as I do and he'll love them as much as I do. I mean, I'm aware that this is not really possible. But I really think they could enjoy each other's company quite a bit.

Here's the players:

My dad: can come across as quiet and intimidating
My mom: asks a lot of probing questions
My boyfriend: loves to make puns

Yet, somehow, I think this mixture is totally going to work.

Disease and Getting Old

Hate it. Enough said. I've been very fortunate to be healthy in my lifetime and to have parents that haven't had to deal with anything to major. Within the matter of a week, however, my parents have each had a cancer scare and we've dealt with hearing about terrible illnesses in two very close family friends.

My dad expressed to me that it is weird and different when it's you and your own friends that are the ones getting ill and dying. I can't even imagine how hard that is. I'm just dealing with the fact that it's my parents and their friends rather than my grandparents and that feels hard enough.

Yuck.

I'm trying to hold onto the positive things in my life right now. I have a good job at the moment, I have a man who truly loves me, I have both of my awesome parents, have great friends, have a great living situation with an awesome cat, and tonight... I get to go to San Francisco with some of my dearest friends to celebrate the fact that we are turning 30 this year.

I keep thinking that this is really going to be a great decade for me. 20's were hard but I feel like I'm just getting into my stride now. I think it's going to be awesome. I even have pretty high hopes about this year in particular. If only I can stave off all of the sickness from the people I care about.

When You Love Somebody

Truly, my life has not really changed. It's just gotten way better. I wake up every day thinking that life is pretty good. I still often wake up alone, and that's ok. Sometimes I still go out alone. But overall I have this overwhelming sense of security that I haven't had in awhile. Because I have somebody who loves me. It's nice to have someone who thinks you're awesome. Somebody who, even when they aren't around you, you know that they are undeniably yours. Pretty cool feeling.

Brad told me that the first time he drove away from my house, he listened to this in the car because he felt like that's the song he needed to hear. Great song. Have I mentioned how awesome it is to share of love of music with someone?

Food in PDX and Beyond

I love good food. So when my friend, Tracie, asked if I wanted to join her for a culinary event where some professional chefs would cook a four-course meal plus drink pairing at someone's house in Portland, I was in. The event was called "Cellar Door" and is something this couple does often in San Diego. The whole event was delicious, warmed my heart, introduced me to some great people, and helped me remember how cool it is when a group of people can gather together around food for discussion and commonality.

Recently, Tracie and I had decided that we both enjoyed the experience so much that we wanted to start to have a supper club where we met every once in while at someone's house to cook and eat together. The first planning meeting took place (of all places) way out in Hillsboro at a tiny little Japanese place that blew my mind called Syun Izakaya. 

If you go, YOU MUST GET THE STUFFED CHICKEN WINGS. No joke, these were delicious. One of the best culinary things I've been lucky enough to put in my mouth. The food here mostly consisted of what they called "Japanese style pub food" which was amazing. We also got this chef selected sushi plate to split so that we could try several different kinds of fish. I was very happy that we did. I also ordered a beef dish that was lightly seared beef with ginger and Brad picked out some clams in sake broth that were amazing. 

We spent all night talking food, planning our next outing and get together. We talked about our favorite donuts, where the best Indian food is, our feeling on ramen, cooking ideas and blogs. Was nice to be out with people that are excited about and appreciate good food. There's so much out there that this made me really excited to get out and find some of the best food that the Portland area has to offer. I drank my sake from the little clay cup I got to choose from a basket and felt excited about all of the possibilities Portland seems to keep throwing my way. 

The Final Rose

Here's another dating post. Be warned.

I finally found two guys recently that I felt like were interesting and wanted to get to know more. Was doing the dating thing and having a hard time figuring out who I might choose for awhile because they both seemed so great (I know, a good problem to have). Everyone kept telling me to go with my gut and that I really couldn't make a wrong decision but I was kinda terrified I'd make a bad choice and regret what I'd done and not be able to undo it. I was afraid that after waiting so long to finally find someone I was interested in that I would be the one to mess it up.

I sat on the decision for a good two days. And all of a sudden, it's like I realized that I was clearly missing seeing one person, thinking of them more, and felt far more secure when I was with them. My dad always tells me, "the only thing that matters to me is that they think you are wonderful and cherish you". Seems like not a hard thing to ask for and also really complicated at the same time.

But I chose the guy who truly cherished me. He never missed an opportunity to see me. He never forgot to tell me how much he enjoyed himself around me. We danced in his kitchen, we played darts, we ate delicious food and cooked together, we smiled and joked, we listened to music, we sang... and at the end of the day today, I think to myself, "how could I not have chosen him?"

He brought me pho for lunch today even though he only had just under an hour to spare. And I just keep thinking to myself how I think I actually made the right choice. How I feel so truly lucky now. Phew.

What is your favorite subject in school?

My favorite subject in school is drama .I   like drama because you could act, play all kinds of games and have fun. When i’m in drama I learn how to show how I feel in pantomimes from Miss Ott. She is one of the most fun teacher’s in Maple Grove and awesomest. Drama is so fun especially when other classmates act. When I act it is so funny I just can’t help myself like when I do funny pantomimes I hope she would still teach next and the next and the next and the next year!!!!!!!!!!!  

-By a 4th Grade Student for a Computers Project

Sometimes it's the little things that make your day. Glad this was shared with me. I got five similar essays.

The Ups (and Downs) of Being a Teacher

Sometimes teaching is hard. And then sometimes I feel inspired and so happy that I'm doing something worthwhile. Sometimes the students drive me nuts. And sometimes they make me smile a mile wide.

Most of the time, I just feel pretty lucky to have a job where I get to hang out with kids and talk about a subject I love. Most of the time, I'm not really sure if they love the subject all that much or not, but I can tell that they just like that I appreciate them for who they are and see the potential of what they can be.

Get What You Deserve

I realize I posted the same National song twice in a row. Clearly that song represented September well for me. Promise to vary my selection more from here on out.

Thinking about the phrase lately, "you get what you deserve". I think that phrase is crap. I know a lot of wonderful people that have had horrible things happen to them and then some pretty negative people in my life that everything seems to go just swimmingly for. I mean, I know we all go through tough times. I know everyone has stuff happen but I don't think anybody ever deserves for bad things to happen, but in thinking about my life and all that I've done or had done to me, and I don't think I'd change any of it.

I am a firm believer in the fact that everything we go through makes us who we are. I've been lucky not to have hit up against anything too terrible so it's maybe easy to say there's nothing I would change. But I do think some of the hard stuff that has happened to me has truly made me a better person and more able to confront the world because I've had practice in getting back up and taking things head on.

This past year has been a year for me of slowly pulling myself off of the ground after being thrown by the horse (so to speak). I wouldn't want to just carelessly hop back on, I knew that I needed to assess what went wrong so as not to be thrown again. And swinging my leg back into that saddle has felt heavier and hard at times. But I've gotten back in. Getting ready for the ride.

In class today I told the story of Romeo and Juliet to 20 captive 8th graders. They've never been so quiet and attentive all year. They were confused by the suicide. They couldn't understand why they would do it. It was hard to explain that it was really a series of miscommunications and complicated situations and events that led up to that point. That it was nothing they really wanted.

But I'm with them. I've never quite understood suicide. I mean I can sympathize and understand that the world can be hard to deal with. But I think I don't understand suicidal thoughts because I love life and I always see potential for growth. I know that loving life means loving the bad along with the good, because it's all part of the same ride. It's never going to stay shitty forever. Not if you don't want it to. No one gets what they deserve. We just get what we get.

September's Almost Gone

Well, I'm happy to say that I have almost made it through September. A whole month of teaching already done. The first trimester is always the hardest for me. In many ways I'm lucky. Once I've figured out the first trimester and what my curriculum is, the other two trimesters are just a repeat of the same. Most classroom teachers have to keep teaching new things all year. Of course, I do have 6 grade levels. Probably all come out about the same in the wash.

It's been over a year since I've truly dated anyone. Keep putting myself out there. Still mostly wonder if I just haven't met the right guy yet. Not like my standards are crazy high. I just want to really like the way I feel when I'm around the person. Not really much more to it than that. Still waiting and remaining open to the possibilities.

Meanwhile the weather is changing. Feels dreary and makes everyone want to curl up indoors. I'm going to see a play alone tonight. Somehow also seems appropriate for the weather. Better go get dressed and looking presentable.

I'll leave you with a song for the weather.

New Year's Resolution Achieved

My New Year's Resolution was to write 50 blog posts over the course of the year. I knew it would be good for me to process my life by writing my thoughts down a bit more often.

I made it, at the beginning of September nonetheless. This is my 50th post. Has it done me good? I think so. I still have no idea if anyone really reads it and I think I like it that way. I censor myself less.

This morning is the start of my last official day of summer. I'm going in to school to work of setting up my classroom all day. It's been a hard place to be lately. You know what gets me through those days? Music.

This morning I had a reminder of how much I love this song. Very excited to see them on September 21st. It's funny, I bought 2 tickets and I still just have no idea who I will take with me or if anyone really wants to go. Oh well. Here it is.

Another list of random observations:

1. If you offer up interesting info, usually the other person will meet you halfway. 
2. We cannot control who we love, like, are attracted to, and what makes us happy.
3. We cannot control who loves us, likes, us, is attracted to us, and what makes them happy.
4. Singing and dancing make everything better. 
5. It's hard to really put yourself out there. 
6. Honesty is pretty much always the best policy. 
7. "Fake it until you feel it" can totally work. 
8. Sometimes it is hard to find the positive aspect or silver lining. Still try. It is there. 
9. Sometimes friendships are like relationships. They can take nurturing, hard discussions, and honesty. The good ones will understand this. You don't need the bad ones. 
10. Being a strong woman (or person) is scary to a lot of people. But the ones who aren't scared by that are the ones who are worth your time. 

Pearl Jam and what they mean to me

Pearl Jam. Whenever people ask who my favorite band is, that's who comes to mind. I know it's not necessarily what people expect to hear or the answer that they are looking for. I think they want to hear what I listen to "now" to get a sense of "the kind of music I listen to".

So here's the thing: I like a lot of different types of music. I have yet to find any genre in which I can say in all certainty that I dislike all of. I think music kinda winds in and out of itself, overlaps here and there, echoes across time, and can work it's way into our souls in different and meaningful ways.

Why do I like Pearl Jam? It stems back to young Meredith, who used to hear her brother playing their albums and thinking that that must be the cool thing to listen to (somehow I didn't connect with Rush as well). It stems back to my dance teacher allowing us to explore movement to some Pearl Jam songs. It involves me buying my first full Pearl Jam album for myself at the music store and listening to it alone in my room. Songs that resonated with me and questions about life. Learning guitar riffs so that I could play certain songs on my first guitar in high school. Singing along to "Elderly Woman" at the top of my lungs at a summer camp and knowing I would remember that moment for the rest of my life. It involves memories and dreams, experimental ideas and comfort.

I still feel something every time I listen to them. A lot of somethings, more like. And I still listen to them a few times a year. Mostly when I feel a little lost. I think somehow they always kinda bring me back to who I am.

This album changed my life. When I saw Pearl Jam for the first time live, I cried.

Holding Out for Magic

Maybe just a week or so ago, I decided to pull my profile off of OKcupid and told my mom that I strongly felt that if I was going to meet someone, that it was going to be just living my day to day life. I feel like I have learned lately that anything can change very quickly. I'm not saying I fall fast or am being fickle, but rather that I am opening myself up for the potential that something that I might never expect in a million years could happen to me all of a sudden. 

And guys, it kinda did. 

On Monday night, a person I have not seen in at least six years walked through the doors of a theatre I wasn't even sure I was going to go to. We chatted, ended up going out for drinks with the cast, and then ended up on top of Mt. Tabor with a perfect view of the city with the intent to watch the Perseid meteor showers. 

All I could think of that night, and even now, is that, somehow I was right. Things can change so quickly. And if someone is going to fall for me, they aren't going to fall for me overnight or on a profile, but they will fall because they can see the real and true me. And I think that happened Monday night. 

I only saw one meteor that night. It was after we had packed up and we getting ready to walk back down the dark mountain to the car and I saw it streak across the sky. I got my wish. 

I'm told I'm "too confident"

When asking a guy friend why I seem to have such trouble with men he replied, "you are very confident, that comes off as intimidating to a lot of guys". What am I supposed to do about that? I was hoping for some advice, maybe something I was doing that I could change a bit. But confidence?

So here I am back to the whole, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and maybe a guy will show up that can handle my confidence. Because I'll be damned if I'm going to stop being a powerful and independent lady.

The Emergency Contact

So, a few days ago, a cast-mate told me he had woken up at 5am in severe pain with a kidney stone. He told us that his girlfriend got up and drove him to the ER and had been taking care of him. I was feeling terrible for him and how he was all nauseous and hopped up on pain meds while still being at rehearsal and then I thought to myself:

"What would I do if I woke up at five in the morning in severe pain?"

This brings me to contemplate the ever dreaded Emergency Contact question that you see on so many medical forms you have to fill out. I hate that question. I ALWAYS list my mom because of course I want her and my dad to know if anything goes wrong. But it's not like they are here and can do anything immediate. It's not like they can suddenly drive me to the hospital at 5am.

Now that I'm living alone, I'm realizing I don't even have a housemate to wake up if I ever had a problem. I have several friends I could list but some don't have cars, some have kids, and some live a bit of a ways away. Guess it's a good thing I'm a pretty healthy person (although it is equally awful having to trudge to the store for medicine or food for yourself when you feel like crap).

I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not trying to complain. Guess this ponderance just came to the forefront of my mind the other day. I might just list my mother forever.

Roses and Tears

This is my guilty pleasure. It's weird and childish, and I know it does not represent reality.

And yet...

Here's the thing: I feel like it is one of the most real shows out there in that it shows some pretty raw emotions that are not normally present in movies or everyday scripted television. It shows people at their absolute worst, most private moments. I'm speaking of when you get your heart broken. The moment when you are hurt and pissed and confused and alone. I find it fascinating to watch. Maybe because I can relate to it. We all can, I think. Everyone's had at least one, if not several, of those moments.

It can be painful to watch, maybe because it is so real at times. Or maybe it's because it's like a car crash or train wreck you can't take your eyes away from.

Do I believe that true love can result from this show? I don't pretend to think that there is anywhere you can or cannot find love. It's always unexpected and unpredictable. Who's to say it can't happen. As happy as I am alone, I think that I also sort of take comfort in the fact that maybe, just by living my life, hanging out in Portland, love might sneak up on me unawares.

The National

If you have never really listened to The National or heard an NPR Tiny Desk Concert let me introduce you:

The National performs for NPR Tiny Desk


Why do I love The National? Their music seems raw, emotional, honest, simple yet sometimes complex, and haunting. Matt Beringer is pretty much a lyrics genius. Sigh.

"Am I the one you think about when you're sitting in your fainting chair drinking pink rabbits?"



So looking forward to seeing them live in September.

Loving My City

I've been enjoying the summer thoroughly and a lot of it is because there is so much to do in Portland. If you were here for a week and I was planning out every evening for you, here is what it might look like:

Sunday: Karaoke at the Alibi with the crew
The Alibi Tiki Lounge

Monday: Bingo & Bourbon at Mississippi Pizza hosted by Brian Perez
Bingo and Bourbon

Tuesday: $2 dollar beer Tuesdays at East Burn or Trivia Tuesday at Sidestreet Tavern
East Burn OR Side Street Tavern

Wednesday: Free concert at the EcoTrust building downtown
EcoTrust Concert Series

Thursday: Karaoke from Hell at Tiger Bar
Karaoke from Hell

Friday: 80's Video Dance Attack at Lola's Room/the Crystal Ballroom
80's Video Dance Attack

Saturday: A round of Par 3 golf and a show at McMenamin's Edgefield
Edgefield


Trust me, you will be exhausted from a week like this, but you will also have the time of your life.

Our Life Is Not a Movie or Maybe

This song, "Our Life Is Not a Movie or Maybe" by Okkervil River is a bit of an oldie but still a goodie. I think I have some emotional associations with this song too. But the reason I post it is not that.

Although I am a drama teacher, I hate any actual drama in my life. I've sure had my fair share of it despite trying to avoid it though. I'd say a majority of my life is pretty drama free but if you look at my 20's in particular, on the whole I think they would play like a bad movie script: lots of ups and downs, trials, love and lost love, hopes and failures, adventure and everyday dullness. I'm not sure what kind of movie it might be. Maybe some terrible romantic comedy where the girl ends up alone in the end? Maybe it's just far from over.

Maybe This Time (or maybe not... dang)

I've had this song stuck in my head a bit this afternoon. Oh, Liza.

Lately I've been wondering, why is it so hard for people to just be honest with each other? Why can't we just come out and say how we're feeling and what's going on? Why do we have to do the dance or play the games? It's been a bit hard lately to finally feel like I'm figuring out what I want and what I need, but that sometimes, you can't have what you decide you want. Am I too honest? Do I need to be holding my cards a bit more close? Maybe next time, I'll play the game.

Soaking it in and breathing it out

Well, I'm fully moved out of my old place and am not far from really having everything put away in my new place. Feels good. Ever since I've moved I've felt a pretty great energy. Like, good things seem to be happening for me. Maybe it's the lack of having a day job during the summer but I've gotten so much done and also had so much fun!

I'm doing my best to live moment to moment. For the first time in a year, I felt a renewed faith in my ability to love and that men can really be great. That has certainly been a relief to feel. I also think my emotions are back which is good news.

What I am trying to remember is that sometimes I will have a great thing happen, and I can't just keep making it happen. Maybe this is a lesson in learning to let go. All I know is, I am ready for someone to really let me in and am willing to do the same. I just need to work on being able to take things in stride and let things be whatever they might be.

Danita came and helped me design and then painted this quote above my bed. 

Nami is already super happy that she gets to go outside. So long crazy bird lady!

I Own a Home

I was finally handed the key to my condo today. I'm finding it strange, not so much to move into a new place that is mine, but to say goodbye to my old house, my old neighborhood, to the life of being a renter, to old memories and comforts, plants I planted and visits to my usual haunts. For so long I was so focused on what was ahead that I didn't stop to think about all of the change I would undergo as I said goodbye.

I bid a fond farewell to the house and my life on 30th and Couch in Portland. It was a great 4 year run. In those four years I truly learned to love this city. I found myself here. I found myself.

Sun, Sand, and... Fireworks

I have not smiled so much until the other day when Jen and I decided to drop in on a new friend's campsite out at Nehalem Bay. The views were gorgeous but the best part was probably the awesome company. It was one of those situations where you don't feel as if anyone is the odd man out. We played bocce ball on the windy beach, frisbee by the bay, caught some crabs in the water, climbed sand hills and huge stumps, took pictures, got pizza, sang along to guitar, and just laughed a lot.

I think this situation reminded me of how it's great to be spontaneous. I wasn't even really sure if I was actually going to stop by the campground and certainly thought it would only be for maybe an hour or so. I was very pleasantly surprised. Sometimes, when you put yourself out there, something amazing might come your way.

I was reminded of a phrase the other day by my housemate's mom when I asked her how she met her husband. She told me "You have to kiss a lot of frogs". It's true. Not just in love, but in life. You've got to really put yourself out there and try a bunch of things and eventually amazing things (like princes) will come your way.

Why God Invented Cats

Recently, during a rare Portland thunderstorm I commented (on Facebook) that thunderstorms are really the main time I miss having someone to lie next to. My friend responded with a simple, "that's why God invented cats."

I have to agree, and I know this is totally going to make me sound like the crazy cat lady, but having a cat has been really wonderful for me. She truly does love on me no matter what else has happened. She makes me laugh every day, she snuggles with me at night, she gives me a reason to get up every morning (to make her stop meowing like crazy and feed her). Basically, this blog post is a simple appreciation for my extra large feline friend. 

Tsunami, I could not ask for a better cat than you. 

My Own Home

Finally having my own home means the freedom to do whatever I want with it. I haven't even moved in and already I have some plans. Most of them have to do with a few coats of paint in the great room. Right now it's a yellow, orange, and red accent wall that I find rather unappealing.

Instead I am thinking of a cool color called Gray Owl that will lighten up the room more. Like this...

Then I'm thinking I might paint my big bookshelf. Maybe a turquoise color like this...

I've already been putting things in boxes even though we plan to have me signing around July 10th. I think I'm hopeful that things will happen earlier than that as I already got the loan approval back today and it isn't even the end of June. It's all happening very fast. I think I'm of the belief that if I really line up my life how I want it to be that everything will fall into place. 

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes!

Here is a song I heard on my drive in to work today. Forgot how much I love it. The song is originally by Nick Drake (a wonderful artist who left us far too soon) and it has been remixed by the Books with Jose Gonzalez on a CD produced by The National. What an amazing collaboration between 4 excellent artists I all adore.

Listen to Cello Song


Much has happened in this past week:

• I've wrapped up my first year teaching as a full time Drama teacher 
• I have purchased a condo all by myself
• I've started the moving process in my classroom
• I've started the moving process in my home
• I'm going to be performing in this year's bike play, Bike Odyssey
• I'm getting ready to start rehearsing Romeo and Juliet

I'm pretty proud of myself for really taking charge of my own life this year. I feel that now, I can look back at some point much later on in my life and say that I truly took some time to do things for myself, that I am certainly capable of being alone and taking care of myself, and that I didn't let anything hold me back from doing the things I wanted to do. 

In a year where I have spent  lot of time celebrating other people getting married, having babies, graduating, starting careers, etc. I just wanted to take a moment to look at my own life with pride. I have a lot in my own life to be proud of right now as well.

The first place I've ever owned

So you think weddings are expensive? Try being single.

Which Costs More? Single v. Married

An interesting article. I often ponder why it is in our country that we continue to reward and celebrate when people get married and have babies. We are expected to give and give to them. Single people are not celebrated in this same way and yet, these are the people paying more money in taxes, housing, food, social costs, etc.

I think there needs to be a big sea change in society. Not that I expect this will happen in my lifetime. Trust me, I love love and babies. But I also think we need to learn to celebrate and appreciate those Americans out there who are working hard and making it on there own. The ones who aren't getting the Honeymoon, the KitchenAid, the new sheets and towels, or the matching dishes. Here's to them.

The Glass is Half...

I don't want to be naive and I don't want to be pessimistic and think the worst of every situation. So when I randomly found out I might be teaching Kindergarten through 8th grade next year I thought, "Huh, I'm a glass half full person so i can see the benefits of the situation".

On one hand it means:
I have a job
I will get to see more kids at the school
They will continue to need me in future years
I can influence and inspire more kids

On the other hand it means:
I have to get to know the behaviors of every kid in the entire school
More discipline issues
A huge age range
A lot more planning
A LOT more grading

So I start to wonder, what is this "glass half full" attitude I've adopted anyways. Now I worry, is it screwing me over? Are the benefits going to be worth it? I don't want this job to kill me or make me despise teaching. I'm so thankful to have a full-time job teaching drama. That is truly incredible. I guess in life, from my standpoint, you've always got two choices: Make the best of the situation you are in OR if you cannot do the first option, get out of the situation.

Stress and the After Effects

Sometimes I don't think you realize how stressed you are until it's gone.

Because when I was told good news that I had been waiting to hear today, my immediate reaction was to cry.

Rediscovering My Own Poetry

So, lately I've become inspired by many artistic friends to start writing poems again. It used to be something I did often and enjoyed but have since pushed aside. Here's an old poem I found (with the help of my poetry professor, Hans Ostrom) that I wrote back in 2007, about Caryl Churchill's play, A Number. This play (and poem) tackles the topic of cloning and its effects. 

I like this one because I had a conversation with my housemate last night about how most all songs have to do with love, heartbreak, or a place. This one diverts from that path. Although, I think a lot of poems that I write have to do with wondering what my purpose and place in this world is. 

A Number

by Meredith Ott

Me
well what do you mean by Me?
Am I myself because if there is another
I think I should know I think I should because because
I have a right to know because
if there are two three four or more
if there are eight me’s running around
shouldn’t I do I want to know
do I should I care and would they could they be like me
am I like me who am I like tell me, tell Me
I must be like someone
don’t we all come from somewhere some genetic make-up
some test tube of the mind of the body I don’t know
who I am is Me determined by someone else?

Could you tell me would you please
if you had the chance
or would you hide it from me?
if I commit a crime against myself do I commit it against others
who are me or are they me and do they feel it--
my suicide?
or are they satisfied
with life
life that has been chosen for them life that isn’t theirs for the choosing
or do they even notice
or know or care or stop to think or fear that maybe what they have isn’t theirs?
mine
could be
you made me. You made me…
they make me, made Me make them
can’t you stop it if you
don’t you want to have one
One perfect
what is it that you’re looking for?
have you found your one
have you found it in me in them
is it in me or from me
or is it
me
?
you
became the womb
you gave birth you gave me gave them gave you
you selfish
it was all for you I was
they were it was you
playing with god and science and where is my mother
the mother of all
I need to be nurtured to grow to develop
outside of a person sterile pure yet eternally contaminated
by the lack of self, family, being, purpose

raise me love me choose me
choose to choose me
aren’t I original only simple individual complicated complex
enough?
aren’t I enough Me?

Copyright 2007 by Meredith Ott

My Summer Playlist... so far

Check out this video by the Cave Singers performing live at KEXP in Seattle. Love it.

Meredith's Summer 2013 Playlist:

1. Mungo Jerry - In the Summertime
2. Rural Alberta Advantage - In the Summertime
3. Regina Spektor - Summer in the City
4. Vetiver - The Swimming Song
5. Great Lake Swimmers - Put There by the Land
6. Sam Cooke - Summertime
7. Love - Always See Your Face
8. Jens Lekman - A Sweet Summer's Night on Hammer Hill
9. Wilco - California Stars
10. The Cave Singers - Summer Light

Make Good Art

Neil Gaiman is a fantastic author and great mind of our time. When something difficult happens this is a good reminder of how to cope with it. (University of the Arts Class of 2012 Commencement Speech)

A Clip from Neil Gaimon's Commencement Speech

At least, from my perspective. Thanks, Neil. 

Why I Blog

Whenever someone tells me they have read my blog I always feel surprised. I'm true to the subtitle up above in that I really write mostly for myself and to get out emotions and thoughts. What keeps me consistently writing is that there is this computer documentation of how many times I have posted. That keeps me honest and motivates me to do it more.

So, who cares about a 29 year old single white girl in Portland anyways? I'm not sure. I'm positive my life is not anywhere as fascinating as a majority of blogs out there. But, like I said, I am honest so maybe a reflection of this average lifestyle is at least relatable by others.

I made an unspoken New Years resolution this year to post a total of 50 times. I'm over halfway there and think I can easily reach that goal. I wonder to myself if it's being single that has given me more to say. I don't have a consistent person to share my intimate inner most thoughts with so the computer is a temporary substitute.

I do find myself lately, wishing again that I had that person to check in with, who cared where I was and what I thought, and who I could just look over and smile at as we share experiences. Is there still a deep and lasting, exciting love for a girl like me? Or maybe I'll just keep on blogging.

Election Day in Battle Ground, WA

Today is the day of the levy. I cannot even express how stressed I'm feeling. It was hard to get out of bed today because I think I sort of thought, "If I don't get out of bed, nothing bad can happen and the day can't go on, right?"

I've been amazed at people in many forms lately. I'm amazed at the passion and inspiration so many have shown but also amazed at the ignorance and harshness of others. As I waved signs the other day I was flipped off, honked at, and given the finger several times. I wish people understood that I truly believe I am fighting for everyone in this cause. I want our society to thrive. I believe that without education we're all going down in flames. I am irritated at our government for not directing funds towards education so that we don't have to ask for more money from taxpayers. It is in no way an ideal system. I get that. But at the same time, the last thing I want to do is punish our children and future generations because of that.

If this levy doesn't pass, yes, I will lose my job. But I honestly have to say, deep down, that is not why I believe in passing this levy. I believe in passing it because I want to send a message to our children that we care about them and want a bright future. I think HOPE is a good thing to have. Without this levy, I know I personally will have lost some.

On Teaching

I'm driving home at 8pm after the drama production opens and I've broken down all the mics and sound equipment, stowed the light and costumes, and finally left the building. I'm on my drive home and I start to think about the many things that were said to me tonight, and in particular one student's mom.

She spoke to me briefly about how her son did not enjoy coming to school until I started the after school drama program. I got the sense that she is a mom that has not volunteered at the school often although tonight she is helping me take tickets and count money. I also get the sense that her son probably gets picked on a lot at school. He's one of my favorite kids. Always so kind and thoughtful. I'm sure that other kids make fun of him for being overweight. I'm sure there are some days where he feels strange and like a total outcast and would rather have stayed home.

I'm thinking about this student, this person who I have gotten to know so well this year, who shines in drama class, and I can't help but let a tear slip out. So, I'm sitting in the car crying and I can't help but to say outloud,

"Why do I have to care so f***ing much?"

Drinking

I've been thinking a lot lately about drinking. Maybe first I ought to explain my history.

All through high school I was a good girl. I never drank. I hung out with friends who loved to do things like play ping pong and Jenga. Yes, I dated a drummer in a band and became somewhat of a groupie in that sense but I never had a drop throughout my whole high school career. When I talk to other people, it seems this is a very rare thing.

In college I drank very rarely and never did drugs. I almost prided myself on how much money I was probably saving because I never went out to parties or bars and spent money on drugs and alcohol. It wasn't until my senior year, when I was twenty-one, that I finally started going out with friends to drink.

Now, I would say I am a very social drinker. I pretty rarely drink at home alone or go out alone to drink, and I even more rarely drink to the point of getting drunk. I'm pretty great at knowing my limits and when to stop.

So having said all of this, I've been struggling lately with being able to understand those who don't seem to have a limit or have any desire to stop drinking before they become exceedingly drunk. These are people who become drunk to the point of becoming obnoxious, weepy, or needy.

I like to think of myself as a person that has a pretty high tolerance for others, but when I feel that others are not being responsible for themselves to the point that it is affecting other people, I get annoyed. Maybe it's that I am getting older and feeling the pressure and responsibilities so I don't have a lot of patience for the crazy naive drunken binges of others. Okay, maybe I'm being harsh. But I often have to wonder at alcohols amazing and powerful effects over so many people. It has the ability to change personalities, to make people forget, and to make them lose control of their emotions. Maybe I'm just too much of a control freak or have too high of expectations to be okay with that.

Mean Girls

I truly value my girlfriends. I have to say I always have, but lately they have been a particularly wonderful thing for me to have. Today though, I was forced to remember (after it simply popping up in my Facebook Newsfeed) that there have been a few girlfriend relationships that somehow went sour. 

The hardest part about losing these people is that it seemed like several people in my life over the past few years turned against me, all of a sudden, with little or no warning. It is still confusing to me to this day. I've had many conversations with others trying to figure out what happened or what I did and I'm at a loss. The only answer I can come up with is that at some point I was maybe too honest with them. Interesting that honesty seems to be such a fault. 

It's hard feeling like someone's enemy when I never wanted to be in that place (and still don't). I struggle with trying to let go and knowing that I'm okay without people who would do that to me anyways. I know that ultimately I've just got to let it go.

It's always hard to let things go when you saw a glimmer of how great it could be. 

This post is for the many amazing women I've met over the course of my life who have shown me what strength and love truly are.

Everybody Cut Footloose!

So, Dukes turned out to be amazing. It was definitely a skosh out of my comfort zone but in that good and exhilarating way.

The people I went with were all very new friends but so fun and kind to me. They also were all into swing dancing so we did some of that in addition to line dancing. So fun to be with a group of people who all truly love to get out and dance.

At one point I was standing there watching all the people in jeans doing complicated line dances and I had this surreal feeling that I was inside the movie, Footloose. You know, the scene where they go just outside the city limits to a bar that has line dancing and they find out that Willard is actually a good line dancer even though he was pretty nervous to dance earlier on. So, I go outside to see the awesome patio with a huge roaring fire and when I go back inside what song comes on but, you guessed it...

FOOTLOOSE!

So, my partner and I, of course, hit the dance floor with some awesome Footloose swing. It was such a fun night and I felt somehow oddly reenergized. It reminded me how I really value spontaneity, how I like being pushed out of my comfort zone, and how I love to get out and do something active that involves music.

Duke's Country Bar & Grill

So, I'm going to check out this bar for some dancing tonight: Duke's Country Bar

Crazy, right? Looks like it's from another era or part of the country. I love how Thursday nights say that "Cowgirls get in for free". Ridiculous. I will have to report back on this one.

Someone Took the Words Away

Listen to Elvis Costello - Someone Took the Words Away

I've been playing this song a lot lately as I drive in my car to and from work and contemplate life. Love the jazz riffs and beautiful saxophone solo. And what a smooth, buttery voice. This song always makes me stop and pause. Sometimes that is very much needed.

Frost

Poetry always has the power to make my emotions and feelings bubble up. 

My mom recently requested a Robert Frost poem to share with her book club and although I immediately thought of "The Road Less Traveled" (which I love dearly), the following poem always evokes a very clear image and feeling. So, here's to the end of Winter and the beginning of Spring. 


Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening
              
 Whose woods these are I think I know.
 His house is in the village though;
 He will not see me stopping here
 To watch his woods fill up with snow.

 My little horse must think it queer
 To stop without a farmhouse near
 Between the woods and frozen lake
 The darkest evening of the year.

 He gives his harness bells a shake
 To ask if there is some mistake.
 The only other sound's the sweep
 Of easy wind and downy flake.

 The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
 But I have promises to keep,
 And miles to go before I sleep,
 And miles to go before I sleep.

The Art of the Mix CD

I noticed lately that I've felt some sort of lack of being able to express myself and realized this might be in part due to the fact that when I am dating someone, I always make them a Mix CD every few months or so. There's something about going through your music and picking songs that suit how you are feeling and also how you want the person listening to feel.

This, of course stems all the way back to my middle school days when I first learned how to make a Mix Tape. Making a cassette tape was a more arduous/loving process because you had to either catch the song on the radio or go out and buy the album, and then listen to each song the whole way through as you made the tape. The cool part about it was that you really listened to the whole Mix you were making as you made it. You could also record yourself saying something at the beginning. I remember listening to the voices of boyfriends on Mix Tapes I received at the very beginning of the tape tell me something in a kind of coded message just for me. 

Mix CDs are a lot faster and easier to make, but the same idea is there. As you make the mix you leave your imprint simply by the songs that you choose and the order in which you place them in the mix. 

So this month, I'm trying something new. I'm going to make a Mix CD just for me. For the first time it really is not for anyone else. Guess it's more practice in the art of loving and appreciating myself. I know it will make me an even better partner for the next Mixed CD receiver that comes along. 

Used CDs

You know what can always cheer me up? New music.

Not that I was really bummed out but more just looking for a way to occupy my afternoon, so I wandered over to Music Millenium to browse around the Used CD section. There is just something fun and hip and nostalgic about sorting through the collection of bands past.

Found three winners this time: The Cars, Jeff Buckley, and Elvis Costello

Levies and RIFs

Here's something that has been severely on my mind the past few weeks:

Battle Ground School District, where I teach, put out a levy in February that was meant to cover 20% of the current operating budget of our schools. It was a replacement levy for the last one that passed three years ago.

Every other school district around that put out levies passed them (Vancouver, Evergreen) however, Battle Grounds did not pass with a simple majority of 50% plus one votes.

Now the district is talking about getting another levy on the ballot for the end of April. But as you can imagine, it is stressful not knowing the fate of your job until a few months. And, I'm sure everyone knows in their heart of hearts, that my job will be one of the first to go if we have to make cuts.

I'm near the bottom of a very long seniority list (that was recently printed out and posted in the staff room) and I teach a subject many people find excessive and unnecessary. So, if the district has to make cuts, I can just about guarantee I will be RIFed (Reduction In Force) or "given the pink slip". This is very frustrating when you feel like students, teachers, parents, and your principals all like you, you've gotten a program going successfully, and feel like you've done nothing wrong.

My 6th Grade Drama Class (big hams)

It is hard to feel like that fate of your job is out of your control. It is so sad to think that I am currently working so hard to build up this brand new drama program and that it might just be completely shut down. If I had to leave this school next year I think I would significantly feel like I hadn't finished what I had started and was abandoning my students (many of which I think greatly benefit from taking drama). I also can't even think about applying for jobs again in May knowing what a major wringer I felt I was put through last summer applying.

If you know ANYONE living in the Battle Ground School District, please encourage them to pass the levy in April.


Fox News on the failing of the Battle Ground Levy

I Saw U

Fortunately, I never had to write this post. But here is what it might have said:

I SAW U...
On Valentine's at the Doug Fir. I was alone. You gave me a ticket. You drank whiskey (bet you didn't know I find that attractive). We were watching the band and I noticed you off my left shoulder and we chatted. I could have stood there next to you all night.

Desert Beauty in Oro Valley

Tohono Chul Park just North of Tucson

I got to visit Arizona this weekend and spend some time in the desert with my parents. I can't say I've really appreciated the desert so much as I do after that visit. It is amazing how nature has the ability to adapt to any surrounding or situation. It really is intriguing and beautiful. We got to admire the birds and plants that are able to grow there. I even heard a havalina snort in the distance.

Although I would not say that I came away thinking that I want to move there (especially when it would get to be 90 degrees and above). But I can say that I truly enjoyed my visit and don't look at it in the same light as I used to. I'm sure I would miss the pine trees, water, mountains, and lush greenery of the pacific northwest. That's truly where my heart is.

To My Lovers Past

I don't really have a new lover, per se. But I have certainly moved on. And when I look back to my lovers past I wish them all well. This song puts it pretty well. Happy Valentine's to them all.

The Luckiest

So I was driving home tonight and the Ben Folds song "The Luckiest" came on the radio as part of someone's Valentines playlist. I hadn't heard this song in a long while, in fact I would say I have avoided it but tonight I really listened to it. It reminded me of a relationship long past where the boy would play and sing this song to me on the piano.

And I thought to myself today, I really have been very lucky in love in so many ways. I have some very fond memories of moments where I felt truly loved and in love. Here is only a very short list of them:

• Being serenaded on the grand piano in my parents house
• Waltzing at the end of a square dance at the Tractor Tavern in Seattle
• Night swimming (naked) in Green Lake
• Being woken up by an alarm to find roses and my boyfriend waiting to ask me to prom
• Walking down a street casually chatting and being swept off my feet into a kiss
• Boating in Northlake and jumping off an empty overpass
• Sneaking a kiss late at night by the lake
• And those moments where you don't want to get out of bed because you honestly feel you could just look at him forever

When I think back on all those moments I think, wow, I've had a pretty rich love life. I truly am the luckiest. Glad I can listen to that song again.

Ben Folds - The Luckiest

A Dating Blog?

A female bartender I talked to about online dating told me the other night she thinks someone ought to chronicle their online dates and all of the awkward scenarios that ensue as a result.

I like the idea in some ways because I know I've had my share of awkward dates, but I also really like to think that I choose to respect and preserve the egos of these men (let's face it, we've already lowered ourselves to admitting we need to meet someone online).

So here's what I have to say about online dating: I have met a lot of different and interesting men through it. It's hard because obviously things don't often work out and you are trying to gage if there is any chemistry. But all in all, I think there are a lot of good people out there who, like me, just have not found the right context to meet someone. It's nice to have a reminder sometimes, that there are a lot of good people out there that I would never come across otherwise.

What do you do.....

...when you find out something you were suspicious of, but didn't want to know, has become the honest truth?

In my case, you stay away from it. And know that you are a better person than lying, secrecy, or giving in to the desire for something that isn't real.

I might not be fierce like Beyonce, but heck, I'm a good person and a pretty dang strong woman. And I refuse to think that I deserve anything less than another good and strong person. 

I only feel sorry for those who do not believe the same about themselves. 

The Measure of Success

Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.                                                        -Victor Hugo (Les Miserables)

I was realizing the other day that I have several things to be proud about. 

• I have not let bad things in my personal life affect my overall attitude or my work.
• I have successfully started the first drama program to ever be at a school exposing over 250 kids to drama for the first time. 
• I continually reach out to friends and rarely just sit at home by myself.
• I go to the gym alone from time to time to work out.
• I am directing and producing a school play all by myself.
• I'm going to audition for some summer Shakespeare shows this weekend. 
• I've been pretty great at and happy with being single. 
• I voluntarily got a shot at the doctor's office and did not pass out. 

Sometimes it is the little things. And sometimes there are several little things that all add up. Right now, I don't need anyone else to be proud of me. I am proud of myself. 

No Regrets?

Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets. 

-Arthur Miller

I have my share of regrets. It's annoying that I do because I feel pretty strongly that one should never regret the choices one makes. And yet, I have made choices and done things in my life I am not proud of.

I think the best one can hope, is that even if things didn't turn out like you expected, that maybe something important was learned anyways.