It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...

It's New Years.

I'm not really a resolution person, but I think that in my day to day life I've been trying to think a lot about the following things lately and want to continue to do so to the best of my ability:

• Doing something physical as often as I can every week because it always makes me feel good
• Not to be afraid of doing anything alone
• Putting myself out there even when it's scary
• To keep listening to new and old music
• Continuing to improve my teaching and be there for my students
• Keeping up relationships with my friends and supporting them in every life step

It's been a hell of a year for me. One of the hardest and best. I've been elated and devastated. It's been a roller coaster for sure. But here's something I can genuinely say as the year comes to a close:

I'm feelin' good.

Have I mentioned I hate New Years?

NYE is always my least favorite holiday. It's not like I've never had a good time on New Years, but in general, I hate all of the build up that comes with it. It seems like one of those holidays where everyone expects you to have awesome plans, a sweet outfit, and a party where you get totally wasted on booze and champagne.

Here's my New Years experiences in a nutshell:

• A cabin party in Idaho where shotguns ended up being fired (from inside!)
• Chinese food and party at a good friends house with about 10 people (maybe my best New Years)
• Food carting and bowling with my ex boyfriend
• Hanging out at the house and watching the ball drop
• Skiing in Big Sky, MT and falling asleep before midnight
• A Fremont, Seattle scavenger hunt ending in a bluegrass band at a bar 

I don't know. It's just never been anything special to me. I think I always want it to be something spectacular but, more often than not, I end up feeling sorta underwhelmed.

So, I'm not even remotely sure yet what I'll be doing this year. When I look back at that list I made, really I've had some good New Years. Maybe it's being single this year that amplifies my anxiety a bit. All I know is that I don't want to have nothing to do or be in a room by myself. When all your friends have significant others the likelihood of being alone seems to increase. It's not that I need a midnight kiss. I just want to be in a room with lots of people who are all present and not engulfed in their relationship or just wanting to go to bed and have sex at midnight.

I wish I even had some sort of back up plan for the holiday this year, but alas. I think I'll just be flying by the seat of my pants again.

The Dating Game

Here's the Blog post I have been dreading to write. Maybe because it forces me to face up to my feelings. Maybe because I think it's embarrassing. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I always tend to avoid posting about relationships. Too personal I guess. Despite that, however, they seem to have strongly defined who I am over the years. How could they not?

So here's the good news. I'm doing a lot more defining for myself these days. These past 3 months have really been the first time in a long time I've truly been single in my adult life. It's been years since I wasn't attached. I did the "long distance thing" for so many years so I was rather alone in my day-to-day life but, nonetheless, was still attached through the phone or computer. Now, the ties have been cut. I find myself going to bed at night without those familiar texts and phone calls and being okay with it.

In fact, maybe I prefer being single right now. Of course there are certain things I miss. I miss having someone to call when I'm feeling down, for daily advice and conversation, having someone's body to touch and love, and someone who I feel gets me and appreciates me for my true self. Yes, I do want to find that again. It's not like I am swearing off men forever.

But here's what I am swearing off: boys. I like to play pretend and am as playful as they come, trust me. But out of all this mess I've been in lately I've at least realized one thing. I want someone who knows what they want. I want someone who is not afraid to be themselves and who, above all, is always honest and loving with me. And yes, I think this takes a man. I think I've grown up a lot in the past year. A lot. I've learned a lot about myself, about others, and about the world we live in. And though I often long for my lost naivety, I also know maybe I am better off for it. I'm wiser. I will choose better. And isn't choice what this life is all about? Right now, choosing to be single has been one of the most empowering experiences of my life. Maybe someday, choosing to be with someone will be even more powerful.

On terrible things happening:

So many images of violence in the media lately. Of course, I, like many others, have no idea quite how to react and respond.

Here's what tends to be my general M.O.:
I read about it in the papers and try to understand the truth behind what happened. I tell myself that this could happen to anyone but that I can't dwell on it because bad things could happen to any of us at any time. It is no good reason to stay inside, avoid schools, not to ride my bike in the street, or not to walk by myself to the grocery store.

It's not worth the stress of being scared and worried to me. But here's what it is worth. I've read some inspiring articles this week about the power we can have to make a difference. The way this country avoids regulating assault weapons is terrible. I don't want to own a gun. I literally have no desire. I worry about those people who think if they don't own a gun all the bad people will have one and will take over. I want to scream from the rooftops to these people, "THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SOLVE PROBLEMS".

This is all I know, more guns is not the answer. Especially automatic assault weapons. I believe in the right to hunt or own a gun for recreation, but as they say in Batman, "with great power comes great responsibility". So if you own a gun, you better keep that shit locked up tight and I sincerely hope you never EVER intend to use it on another human. Because if you are really planning on "shooting the bad guy" then we still have a problem.

I am not a parent. Although I want kids dearly, I do not yet have any of my own. However, I do take care of 600 kids on a regular basis, about 250 of which I know and see in my classroom. And I love them all. And I worry for them about the message that they are getting from the media and from other people. I want to tell them that violence is not how you rise up. It is not how to become the bigger person. What gratification would you truly get from killing another. What does it solve?

My hope for the future youth of America? That we have some strong leaders and people who are willing to stand up and say "enough is enough" in whatever small ways they can. I think we can all agree that violence is awful. I hope we can raise children who are brave enough to look into someone's eyes rather than hide behind a handgun or videogame.

As I write this, I realize it's me just trying to make sense out of everything for myself still. It's my attempt to stand up amongst the masses and try to make that tiny drop into the ocean. I wrote my senator this evening. The older I get, the more I feel it is my civic responsibility to speak up for the children of tomorrow. If I don't who will?

http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2012/12/17/167468213/some-senators-show-willingness-to-take-on-gun-laws

Here's a way to contact your senator if you agree: http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm

The Weather, Mothers, and Dark Theatres

It turned beautiful overnight in Portland. I can really feel summer creeping up on me. Lots to do before I can graduate. Like put together my whole work sample. I need to start reflecting like it's nobody's business.

When it's beautiful it makes me kinda bummed when I don't have anyone to share it with. My mom came down to chaperone the Ashland trip with me which was delightful. I was so happy to spend some good time with her and to have the opportunity to see some great theatre again.

So it's nice out today, and my mom is gone, and what am I going to do? Go see more theatre in a dark room of course. It's such a dichotomy of my life. I love the outdoors and I love theatre. Most often these two things are not synonymous.

The Centering with Andy Lee Hillstrom

I have never gone to see a movie alone, but yes, I have gone several times to see a play alone. I don't really know why it feels different to me. Somehow seeing a movie alone seems more sad, or maybe it's that I could watch a movie at home by myself anytime. So here I am on an 80 degree day, headed into a dark theatre at 2pm alone. And I am happy about it.

On Selfishness

Maybe I have been brought up by good parents who taught me that I need to be good to other people and to follow through on my commitments but I'm very confused why other people have not learned this lesson.

Directing is going well and teaching is going well. I'll be happy when I only have to focus on one, however, because right now I am getting exhausted and am starting to feel much less effective.

I was writing my Director's notes quickly the other morning and I had to stop and think to myself what this process has really been to me. So far the whole thing has been such a whirlwind I have not had a lot of time to stop and think about it. Maybe that's good. Might stress me out too much.

When I get to leave school at 3:30 I won't know what to do with myself. Mayhaps I will actually get to take in some art and theatre so I can walk the talk. Maybe I'll get a bit more selfish with my time again.

My Students Discovered My Blog

My first impulse was to cover up everything, make it private, and sensor it. But after I looked it over I feel that I'm true to my word as far as the heading goes.

-I never write anything with the intention of others reading it
-I also never post anything that absolutely shouldn't be read or shared
-And I'm human and I think that's okay for my students to know

Hi Thom and Ryan.

The April Aries

I swear every year I think about my birthday and how it is quickly approaching and then every year it seems to sneak up on me out of nowhere. For the last few years the sentiment has felt a bit more like, "My Birthday? But I don't have time for that".

Planning something to do for my own birthday seems excessive, unproductive, and... difficult. This year, like many years before, I will be rehearsing a show on the day of my birthday. This means that there is really no chance of me being free to celebrate until at least 7pm. As this year my birthday is on a Tuesday I will already be stressed about having to wake up at 6am the next morning so any craziness is automatically ruled out.

I summary: I am getting old (at least in my mind). What sounds like fun for my birthday is a nice quiet evening maybe at a restaurant or at home maybe where I don't have to cook for myself or think about work for just a little while.

Birthday Schmirthday. In two days I'll be 28.

Accusations

Accusing a teacher of not thinking that their students have feelings is about the worst thing you could do. 

Teachers work very hard and have to make difficult decisions every day. 

Please understand that the students' best interests are ALWAYS in mind and that often in life, there are disappointments. We can't always get what we want. And we have to get up gracefully and move on. What an excellent learning opportunity. 

Dear Universe:

Casting is hard. There is always somebody that is disappointed.

Working for free is hard.  Especially when you hear other people complaining about what they DO get paid. Somehow my sympathy button is broken on that one.

Doing something you are passionate about it great but hard. You just want it to be perfect. Is that so much to ask?

Jumping through hoops is necessary but hard. Sometimes these hoops seems to be never-ending. Guess I'll be jumping for the rest of my life. This is something my students dont' understand yet.

Teaching is inspirational. I am so happy right now that I get to be a part of so many people's lives in a creative way. To every teacher out there, I am so inspired and proud of what you do. It is hard.