The Dating Game

Here's the Blog post I have been dreading to write. Maybe because it forces me to face up to my feelings. Maybe because I think it's embarrassing. I don't know. Whatever the reason, I always tend to avoid posting about relationships. Too personal I guess. Despite that, however, they seem to have strongly defined who I am over the years. How could they not?

So here's the good news. I'm doing a lot more defining for myself these days. These past 3 months have really been the first time in a long time I've truly been single in my adult life. It's been years since I wasn't attached. I did the "long distance thing" for so many years so I was rather alone in my day-to-day life but, nonetheless, was still attached through the phone or computer. Now, the ties have been cut. I find myself going to bed at night without those familiar texts and phone calls and being okay with it.

In fact, maybe I prefer being single right now. Of course there are certain things I miss. I miss having someone to call when I'm feeling down, for daily advice and conversation, having someone's body to touch and love, and someone who I feel gets me and appreciates me for my true self. Yes, I do want to find that again. It's not like I am swearing off men forever.

But here's what I am swearing off: boys. I like to play pretend and am as playful as they come, trust me. But out of all this mess I've been in lately I've at least realized one thing. I want someone who knows what they want. I want someone who is not afraid to be themselves and who, above all, is always honest and loving with me. And yes, I think this takes a man. I think I've grown up a lot in the past year. A lot. I've learned a lot about myself, about others, and about the world we live in. And though I often long for my lost naivety, I also know maybe I am better off for it. I'm wiser. I will choose better. And isn't choice what this life is all about? Right now, choosing to be single has been one of the most empowering experiences of my life. Maybe someday, choosing to be with someone will be even more powerful.