This whole parent-daughter relationship somehow used to seem to come a whole lot easier when i wasn't in my mid-twenties. Maybe that is because I have somehow blocked out those awkward middle school years.
As I get older I have started to need something different from my parents than I think I really needed before. Of course there are times when I look to them for advice and counsel, but a majority of the time I would prefer to see them as those people that helped me immensely as i was growing up and are still there for me if I should need them. Still there for me "if" I should need them is the tough part. Who doesn't want to be needed? The thing is, is that I am 24 and feel pretty ready to make my own life choices whether I like it or not. The funny part is that even some of those choices that seem minor to me at the time seem HUGE to my parents eyes. Perhaps they see some of my choices as life-altering and fear that I am gradually fucking up everything in my future while I am contentedly floating along trying to live in the moment and feeling pretty good about it.
I guess I'm not really sure who is right in this picture. I like to think that I am because it is my life and I am free to succeed or fuck it up as I choose (even though I don't believe I'm really doing that bad of a job). The mistakes, the craziness, the joy, the struggles, it is all what we learn from. God forbid the person that doesn't ever take a chance on anything. What a boring life that would be. That would truly be someone who makes what I would define as poor decisions.
We only live once. I've come to the decision that I want to enjoy everyone and everything in my life for who or what they are. I don't want to pass judgment on anyone. There are some amazing sorority girls out there, some lawyers who work for good, some successful people that are unhappy. There is no formula for what is good and what is bad, for what works and what doesn't. I'm going to play this game called life and take some chances along the way. If I fuck up I can probably still come out okay on the other side. And if I fuck up at least I can say I was the one who made that decision cause it's my life and I'm okay with that.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Saturday, October 4, 2008
The Difficult Summer (with some wonderful things mixed in)
I started the summer feeling like it was a pretty normal and enjoyable summer. I acted in Hello Dolly and directed the Jungle Book for Eugene's Mad Duckling Children's theatre. I enjoyed some time in Portland full of bike rides, zoo-visits, swimming, and bars despite the 2 bee stings and bike crash. I headed to Montana with my parents determined not to let any parts of the summer that might be hard let me down.
After enjoying some great river floats and fly fishing, huckleberry picking, great food, and conversation it began... the summer I think I might not want to remember.
While still in Montana my boyfriend (who I have loved and stood up for in all the hard times) gives up on us... over the phone. I try not to but start crying in front of my parents at the breakfast table before we leave. I try to look on the bright side knowing that eventually I will be fine and get over it but the car ride back leaves me feeling melancholy.
After we got back to Spokane the worst thing of all happened. We received a phone call from a friend of our dear friend who was awaiting a lung transplant. People had been trying to call her throughout the day with no response. My family decided that the best idea was to go and head up to her house to check it out, finding out on the way that 911 had also been called and were on their way as well. I know all of us were going through the possibilities in our head about what we might find but the actuality of what we found somehow seemed so much worse and unreal. I walked into the room with my parents and saw her lying there so peaceful but now, without any breath left in her. Without any life. I looked at her in disbelief that this strong woman could somehow be gone and thought to myself "What am I going to tell my friend?" My dear friend who is her daughter had lost her mother and I was the one there to see what had happened first. What could I say or do? I had to focus on feeling like I was there in the place of my friend since there was no way she could be there at that time. And I had to focus on being there for my family.
So that is what I did. I devoted the rest of my summer to being there for my family. I tried to be the best daughter that I could be in whatever way I knew how while still being true to myself. I tried not to be selfish and to think about what I could give. I tried to be there for my friend even though she didn't always seem like she wanted to talk. I tried to be there for my mother when she seemed to really want to talk about things even if I didn't.
Writing this entry really does make me feel like this blog is my psychiatrist. Well titled I suppose.
The good news is that after I moved past these two especially difficult weeks, I was able to get away with my mom to London and rekindle my passion for theatre and culture with plays and museums. After that I was able to rediscover my love for nature and the outdoors with a trip with my father flyfishing on the McKenzie River.
So here I am in Eugene, having cast the show I am directing this term and feeling pretty good about where I am headed. Sometimes where I am headed is the unknown but I am okay with that too. Here I am in Eugene, Oregon trying to surround myself with people and things that inspire me and make me feel good about myself. I think I'm doing pretty good so far. Mostly, what I've learned after this terrible summer is how truly lucky I am. How strange and how wonderful.
After enjoying some great river floats and fly fishing, huckleberry picking, great food, and conversation it began... the summer I think I might not want to remember.
While still in Montana my boyfriend (who I have loved and stood up for in all the hard times) gives up on us... over the phone. I try not to but start crying in front of my parents at the breakfast table before we leave. I try to look on the bright side knowing that eventually I will be fine and get over it but the car ride back leaves me feeling melancholy.
After we got back to Spokane the worst thing of all happened. We received a phone call from a friend of our dear friend who was awaiting a lung transplant. People had been trying to call her throughout the day with no response. My family decided that the best idea was to go and head up to her house to check it out, finding out on the way that 911 had also been called and were on their way as well. I know all of us were going through the possibilities in our head about what we might find but the actuality of what we found somehow seemed so much worse and unreal. I walked into the room with my parents and saw her lying there so peaceful but now, without any breath left in her. Without any life. I looked at her in disbelief that this strong woman could somehow be gone and thought to myself "What am I going to tell my friend?" My dear friend who is her daughter had lost her mother and I was the one there to see what had happened first. What could I say or do? I had to focus on feeling like I was there in the place of my friend since there was no way she could be there at that time. And I had to focus on being there for my family.
So that is what I did. I devoted the rest of my summer to being there for my family. I tried to be the best daughter that I could be in whatever way I knew how while still being true to myself. I tried not to be selfish and to think about what I could give. I tried to be there for my friend even though she didn't always seem like she wanted to talk. I tried to be there for my mother when she seemed to really want to talk about things even if I didn't.
Writing this entry really does make me feel like this blog is my psychiatrist. Well titled I suppose.
The good news is that after I moved past these two especially difficult weeks, I was able to get away with my mom to London and rekindle my passion for theatre and culture with plays and museums. After that I was able to rediscover my love for nature and the outdoors with a trip with my father flyfishing on the McKenzie River.
So here I am in Eugene, having cast the show I am directing this term and feeling pretty good about where I am headed. Sometimes where I am headed is the unknown but I am okay with that too. Here I am in Eugene, Oregon trying to surround myself with people and things that inspire me and make me feel good about myself. I think I'm doing pretty good so far. Mostly, what I've learned after this terrible summer is how truly lucky I am. How strange and how wonderful.
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